GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- CHRIS THE ESCORT 29. 12/21/91 "CHRIS THE ESCORT" (207) Writer: Adam Resnick / Director: John Fortenberry Chris goes to work at an escort service and becomes the kept man of an older woman, at least until her husband returns from the hospital. Margaret Gardner .. Dena Dietrich Henry Gardner ..... Ralph Manza Mark .............. Paul Feig Woman Interviewer . Twink Caplan Nancy ............. Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst Older Woman ....... Laurel Lockhart GUS'S KITCHEN CHRIS -- Goodmorning dear friend. Now ah, at the risk of starting the day off on a rather ugly note, may I kindly enquire, did someone kill a skunk in here? GUS -- No, I'm just heating up some garlic bread in the over. Hey kid, you want some scampi. You know breakfast is the most important meal of the day. CHRIS -- No thanks Gus. Jeeze you know sometimes it feels as if I'm living right next door to Wolfgang Puck. GUS -- Wolfgang Puck. Isn't he the guy who used to manage Maralyn Chambers? CHRIS -- No, he's the man who invented mustard. Well anyway, I can't have breakfast this morning, because guess who's going down the the local escot service to apply for a job? (laughs) Try and guess. Who could it be? (laughs) Come on, who? El me-oh. The idea just popped into my head this morning while I was lacing up my underwear. Isn't it funny the way ideas just kind of....pop into my head outta nowhere sometimes? GUS -- Yeah, I think they call that neurological damage. Anyway I think your nuts to want to be a male escort. I wouldn't wish that job on a corpse. CHRIS -- Jeeze Gus, what are you talking about? It's like a dream job. I mean all you gotta do is pick up young attractive debutantes at their homes and take them to plays and they pay. Am I coming loud a clear Gus? free plays. GUS -- Debutantes hell. Two to one you get set up with some old perfume-soaked hag. CHRIS -- Well Gus, that's the difference between you and me. I'll never let the smell of an old lady stand between me and my dreams. LOCAL ESCORT SERVICE CHRIS -- Mm hm, yeah, okay baby. Henh. Look with your eyes not with your hands, okay? (laughs) You break it, you bought it. (laughs) All purchases final. (laughs) Wet spill, isle five. Mmm. INTERVIEWER -- Well you do have a certain quirky, goonie, misshapen quality about you. Let me give you a shot. CHRIS -- Oh ho yes. Boo! HALLWAY CHRIS -- Oh, my first escort job. (laughs) Boy, it's funny, things just happen so fast in my life. (laughs) (Gags on breath spray upon entering) Okay, I'm alright. Whoo. I'm sorry, I'm just one of those guys that gags at the drop of a hat. Uh, well Madame, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Christopher Peterson, escort extraodinaire, here to escort your lovely daughter to the theater and present her with this complimentary pumpkin. MARGARET -- I think you're a little confused. It's me you'll be accompanying to the theater. I don't have a daughter. GUS -- (voice over in Chris's head) "Two to one you get stuck with some old perfume-soaked hag. CHRIS -- (drops pumpkin) MARGARET -- Oh. CHRIS -- Oh, oh, I'm sorry Miss Hag...Oh I, I, ma'am. Here um... MARGARET -- Oh. CHRIS -- (holds out pumpkin remains) ...won't you ah, accept this pumpkin as a prelude to our lovely evening together and may I add that your perfume is quite pleasant and doesn't in the least bit smell like stagnant dishwater. Let's be on our way. MARGARET -- I hate to start the night off with a complaint but this is not the escort experience that I paid for. CHRIS -- Well ya know ah, I'm sorry if I seem just a tad remiss in my duties but I gotta tell ya, you're excessive age knocked my ass outta whack there for a second. MARGARET -- Just a minute, maybe we better start all over again. Now to begin with I assume a good escort would convey a proper compliment to his date. CHRIS -- Jeeze, if you could shut your trap for two seconds I was getting to that. May I compliment you on your....oh your unique style of make-up. MARGARET -- Oh ah. CHRIS -- Very Clarabellesque. Now here's a quick spin so you can check out the goods. Oh...oh jeeze. I am this close to blowing my waffles. Oh, and here's my little friend Danny. Say hello to him. (Chris pulls out a fish and works the mouth) "Hi lady. Hope you enjoy your date. Have a good time. Waagh Aaagh!" Allright, that's your little dog and pony show. Let's book, the meter's running, come on. THEATER LOBBY CHRIS -- Jeeze, would you stop giving me the evil eye? You act as if you've never been on a bike before. MARGARET -- Bike chain grease all over my evening gown. CHRIS -- Yeah, tell me about it. I've ruined a dozen evening gowns that way. (sniffs) MARGARET -- You know Chris, I think a glass of wine would help me calm my nerves. CHRIS -- Cool! I think the booth is over there. Get me some too. And see if they have any eclairs. MARGARET -- I'm gonna go clean up. When I get back you better have a glass of wine in your hand waiting for me. CHRIS -- Umgh umgh umgh weeugh. BAR CHRIS -- Hey pal, how's it hanging? MARK -- Eh, pretty good I guess. The woman I'm escorting tonight is pretty undemanding. CHRIS -- Hey, you're an escort too, huh? MARK -- Yeah, I think pretty much every guy here is. I mean come on, free plays. CHRIS -- I gotta tell ya though the John I'm with is a total nightmare. Jeeze, It's like spending the evening with a little puppy ya know, always whining, always wanting something, always urinating on the newspaper? MARK -- Yeah, I think I know what you mean. Oh, this is Nancy. I'm her escort for the evening. CHRIS -- Jeeze, will ya talk about the luck of the draw? I'm depressed man. MARGARET -- (whistles) CHRIS -- Excuse me. My lovely date seems to be requesting my presence. MARK -- That's your date? CHRIS -- Mm MARK -- She's an old perfume-soaked hag. CHRIS -- Hey pay, I happen to think that spending an evening with an older woman can be a rich and rewarding experience okay? Unlike the shallowness of spending the evening with an gorgeous, empty-headed..centerfold...type. Can I touch you? MARK -- Well, I expect we should go get out seats. See ya around buddy. MARGARET -- (whistles) CHRIS -- Allright, allright hold on ya old hammered wench. Hey Sharon! SHARON -- Oh Chris, how bizarre to see you at a cultural event, other than a Monster Truck Rally. Oh, who's this? CHRIS -- Ah, well this is my date...theoretically. SHARON -- Thank god for senility, otherwise you'd never get out. CHRIS -- (laughs) That's an amusing notion, Sharon. (laughs) And let me compliment you on your new pet monkey. He's awful cute. I hear they like grapes. Is his name Bobo? SHARON -- Chris? CHRIS -- Hm. SHARON -- Could I have a puff of your cigarette? CHRIS -- Oh, sure. SHARON -- (stabs Chris in the eye with the cigarette) CHRIS -- Eugh! oh. Ah. (laughs) Well (laughs) The jokes on you, Sharon. Asbestos contacts. SHARON -- Go to hell. CHRIS -- Biggest slut in Greenville. (lights go off and on) Earthquake! Everyone under your dates. MARGARET -- Chris, that just means the play is about to start. Now put that thing out and let's go in. CHRIS -- Uh well jeeze it's a shame to waste it. It's a whole cigarette, here. (eats cigarette) So, what are we seeing anyway? MARGARET -- Oh. Equis starring Max Baer Jr. MARGARETS ROOM MARGARET -- Well, that turned out to be an enjoyable evening after all, didn't it? CHRIS -- Yeah, it wasn't half bad. Talk about excitement. Jeeze, I nearly fell out of my seat when "Horshack" walked out on stage. Boy, you'd think Max Baer Jr. would be enough for your money but then you get a bonus like that. I never thought I'd sit down for my standing ovation. (laughs) MARGARET -- Neither did the rest of the audience. CHRIS -- Yeah right well, anyway I better be going. Hunh. Jeeze this was great. Boy, I made some quick cash, dumped you off by eleven, hunh, saw a free play. I still got plenty of time to get home and see amazing discoveries. It's a good one tonight, reversable shoes. MARGARET -- Just a minute Chris. You're not going home. The evening's not over yet. CHRIS -- Huh? MARGARET -- Why don't you put on a little music and ah, I'll fix us something wet. CHRIS -- Something wet? What do you mean like, shoepolish or tar? She's out of her mind. Dee dee dee dee dee etc. Jeeze, I've never seen so much crap in all my life. (laughs) How may records did this Tchaikovsky idoit put out anyway? (laughs) Greedy bastard. Oh my god. My favorite record of all time. Margaret? Do you have an appreciation for the fine art of dance? MARGARET -- Yes I do. I'd love to.... CHRIS -- Well, feast your eyes on this, honey. ( Chris dances to "Alley Cat" they way only he can) (M. shuts off record) Hey, what's the idea sister I was just starting to work up a sweat. MARGARET -- I think I have a little more appropriate music here. CHRIS -- Oh yeah that's a lot more appropriate. Sounds like make-out music. MARGARET -- It certainly does. CHRIS -- Yeah well, what are we supposed to do now make out? (laughs) Oooh. MARGARET -- I'm not paying you four dollars an hour just to sit around and look beautiful. CHRIS -- Oh, oh oh. I'll gladly refund all your money and even clean your bathroom if you'll only spare me the ugliness that I think is about to happen. (lights go out) LATER MARGARET -- Running off so soon darling? CHRIS -- Ah yes. I think it's best I leave now. For some reason I'm on the verge of tears. MARGARET -- Oh don't be so melancholy sweetheart. You should go home knowing you preformed your job very...adequately. You did just what you were told and you offered very little resistance. CHRIS -- You mean you're not mad that I was reluctant to put on the baby bonnet and, and get into that stroller contraption. MARGARET -- No, not at all. CHRIS -- Well I am a quick learner. MARGARET -- Well you'll have plenty of time to learn. I've reserved you for the next five nights. CHRIS -- Uuuh. MARGARET -- Oh by the way darling, here's just something a little extra for you, my way of saying you're special. CHRIS -- Wow, a rolex. Just like the one Bob Conrad wears. Thanks. MARGARET -- Oh, wait Chris. Alway remember.....rewards come to boys who know the value of obediance. ESCORT MONTAGE (to the tune of 'Alley Cat') GUS'S KITCHEN CHRIS -- Oooh. GUS -- Hey kid, how was Maui? CHRIS -- Gus, she was unstoppable. Ugh. I mean in the hotel, on the sand, under water, on top of the dumptruck. GUS -- On top of a dumptruck? CHRIS -- Yeah, well that was kinda my idea. Hunh. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart. GUS -- I'm telling you kid. Get out of this now, before it blows up in your face. She's using you. CHRIS -- Gus what are you talking about? It's the perfect relationship. She's madly in love with me and I could care less about her. And all I gotta to do is, chek chek chek, ya know, clean her pipes a couple of times a day and she rewards me with a dazzling array of cash and prizes. (laughs) It's better than being on Jeopordy. GUS -- (laughing) Clean her pipes. That's good. I'll have to remember that one. CHRIS -- Besides, who's using who? Gus, let me take you on a little tour. Come with me. I'd like to show you the new and improved, Chrissyland. Come here. (laughs) GARAGE CHRIS -- De de de de deembeep. GUS -- Good God, this place looks like a Mexican pawn shop. CHRIS -- I know. (laughs) It's almost too good to be true, isn't it? GUS -- What the hell is this, a ferret? CHRIS -- No silly jeeze, it's a wig. (laughs) Sometimes she likes me to be Chuck Conners. I don't know, I think maybe she has a thing for him. Anyway it's just one of our little games. GUS -- Ya know kid, this whole thing is starting to nauseate me. CHRIS -- Why, because you feel it's a disgusting display of decadence and opulence? GUS -- No, I'm taling about this rancid salami. CHRIS -- Jeeze Gus, for cryin' out loud don't throw meat around in here you'll frighten the love birds. GUS -- Hey, that's a pet. When you moved into this dump I specifically said no pets, especially a swishy one. CHRIS -- Come on, it was a gift from Margaret. And you know he barely moves, partly because of his disposition and partly because I've yet to feed him. Ease off, will ya? GUS -- Ease off, my butt. When I say no pets I mean no pets. Ya know, I am more convinced than ever that this broad is rotting your brain. Ya, I've completely changed my mind about you. You are cheap and tawdry....a cheap, tawdry, sweet-smelling...whore. CHRIS -- (Chris slaps Gus in the face with his glove) Oh Gus, what did I do? Huh huh huh jeeze, what came over me? Can you ever forgive me? GUS -- Yeah, for twenty bucks. CHRIS -- Oh sure, here. Excuse me. Hello? Oh Margaret hi. Yes, oh great. No, I'll be right over. Uh huh? Yes, I'll wear the red underpants with the gold piping. Yes, anything for you my love. Okay, bye dear. GUS -- I'm warning you, you're getting in too deep. A real man knows when to quit. CHRIS -- Well Gus, you're forgetting one important thing. Not only am I not a real man, I'm barely a man at all. GUS -- You got me there. Allright, run along. MARGARET'S PLACE CHRIS -- Oh! Oh oh Margaret. I don't know what to say. Do you know that I've dreamed of owning a coat like this ever since nursury school? Oh mm. I feel like Tony Orlando. MARGARET -- And it's adjustable for spring. CHRIS -- Oh bravo, bravo. (laughs) You know whoever designed this coat really had their finger on the pulse of the working man. MARGARET -- Nothing's to good for my hard-working escort. CHRIS -- (laughs) Well madame, allow me to thank you the way you've taught me to thank you.(laughs) (Chris dances to Barry White) Ooh baby, I am gonna sex you up something awful tonight. I am gonna sprinkle you with a little Chrissy sugar and then I'm gonna pop into the oven and bake you at four fifty until you're brown as one of my daddy's loafers. MARGARET -- Oh, I love it when you talk insane to me. CHRIS -- Well, insane's my middle name baby. (laughs) Aaagh Aaagh Aaagh. The Russians have invaded America with special robots. Help, Red Dawn, Red Dawn. MARGARET -- That's no robot, that's my husband Harold. HAROLD -- Margaret, what the hell's going on here? MARGARET -- Now Harold, before you jump to any conclusions, he's not a grocery delivery boy, he's a male escort I've been paying to have sex with me. CHRIS -- Ah Margaret, I don't want to but in but I think you screwed something up there. HAROLD -- How could you do this to me, while I was laid up in the hospital, after open heart surgury no less? No wonder you never came to visit. MARGARET -- Now don't blow things out of proportion Harold. It's, it's just that the fizz had gone out of our bedroom lately. So I hired me a prettyboy to take care of business. HAROLD -- Pretty? He's just a fat, stupid looking ball of fur. CHRIS -- Well, I've got news for you dad. This fat ball of fur has been providing a very important service to your wife here for the past week, a service you obviously haven't been able to provide. "Ooh cause I've been in the hospital. Ooh ho I need a bypass. Ooh hoo, I'm such a bigshot. Nurse get me some more jello." (laughs) Oh what are you gonna do, hit me, Herbert Hoover? Come on, give me your best shot. Oh wuhthe who...ohwhat? Hoe hey heyheaahwagh. Whoo Jeeze, what kind of medication did they give you in that hospital? Good, well at least it's out of your system now and we can talk about this like two rational human beings. Ooh oh oh please not my face, it's my meal ticket. HAROLD -- (continues beating) Are you going to see my wife again? CHRIS -- Ah, well probably yeah, I think so. She's a nice woman. I'll probably see her.... (crashs lamp over Chris' head) Now that you put it that way. Huh, I guess I won't see her. HAROLD -- What? CHRIS -- You. I said I won't see her again. HAROLD -- (laughs) Well, he ain't pretty no more. MARGARET -- Harold, watching you beat the crap outta this kid was just the shot in the arm our relationship needed. Oh, you turned me on. HAROLD -- Ya know, in an odd way it kinda turned me on too. CHRIS -- Euuheech. MARGARET -- Oh don't be offended Chris, I can still use you. I'll have you over once a week so Harold can bludgeon you until I get excited. CHRIS -- Thanks, but no thanks. I think I'll pass. That's just a little too weird for me. (laughs) And that's coming from a guy who collects little drawings of duckies holding umbrellas for a hobby. MARGARET -- Fine. They'll be a truck over to your home at daybreak to pick up all the things I've given you. CHRIS -- Even the limited edition Scarlett O'Hara collector's plate? MARGARET -- I'm afraid so. HAROLD -- I'll be eating beans off of that plate by tomorrow night. CHRIS -- Oh Margaret, please I beg you, let me keep the jacket? MARGARET -- Take it off right now before I have Harold rip it off. HAROLD -- Eeugh.. CHRIS -- Okay, okay fine. MARGARET -- Now get out! CHRIS -- 'Kay (crying) MARGARET -- Oh Chris? Wait, please don't go CHRIS -- Yes Margaret. MARGARET -- For my own enjoyment, I'd like to see Harold throw you out. HAROLD -- My pleaseure. Get outta here. Get outta here ya bum. Get out. GUS'S KITCHEN GUS -- Oooh. Boy, they really did a number on you kid. CHRIS -- Oooh GUS -- Well, it's like I learned a long time ago, there's no such thing as easy money in this world, outside of donating plasma that is. CHRIS -- Well, one thing's for sure, my escort days are over. (laughs) And from here on out no matter how tough it gets, I am never, ever getting involved with a woman over the age of 60 again.(door knocks) Gus, you sit right there. I'll get that. Ah. OLD WOMAN -- Chris Peterson? CHRIS -- Yes? OLD WOMAN -- You were referred to me by the local escort service. Do you have any openings for me this week? CHRIS -- Aaaagh.(Chris runs through wall) (Benny Hill chase ending) THE END